He said WHAT?

Tonight riding in the car Sarah began talking about a classmate of hers. They have recently rearranged their desks and she has new neighbors. One of the little boys is in trouble a lot. She has lots of stories about what this little boy does. Well, tonight she reported that he says '"bad" words. Her teacher asks them to tell her when he says these words, but apparantly asks that they not say the words but rather tell her what letter the word starts with. So, of course, I ask her what words he says. Sarah replies the "sh word". I was glad it was dark because I am sure my face changed! I am thinking no way is this little boy saying that in school. I know, I know it happens all the time, but not here in the bible belt! I work with some of these type kids everyday so I should not be surprised, but I am alarmed. I really don't want this child sitting next to mine. I don't want her to hear these words. I don't want her to even know they exists yet! Well she interupts my thoughts with the answer (just before I decide to pull her out and homeschool the sweet thing). She whispers the word "shut up". Wow, what a relief not at all what I was thinking. Then she says he also says the "d" word. Again a cascade of thought interupted by a quiet "dumb". What innocence, isn't it grand! Don't you wish you could go back to the days where shut up and dumb were curse words. I don't mean go back physically, but go back to that innocence. It is such a sweet trusting time that is never repeated in our lives. This conversation did give us the chance to talk about how we handle these situations and why we don't talk "that way". So if you are jaded by life, know that there are still sweet innocent children playing on playgrounds in America!

I need a shrink!

Okay, let's start by thinking about scary movies. You know the scene: a beautiful young barely dressed lady is about to do something that will put her in harms way. You know what you do: you yell at the TV telling her "DON"T DO IT!!!" Well, today that beautiful young lady was me, except I assure you I was fully dressed! I am thinking about procuring food and realize I can not remember the last time I had a Big Mac! So what do I do? Yeah, place myself in danger! I go directly to the drive through and order one! The whole time I hear this voice inside my head shouting "Don't do it". Why am I so good at ignoring this voice? This has actually happened to me twice! I ate the whole thing both times and was sorry I did. I have just lost my taste for them. This is such a good thing and I keep pushing it! The good news is I think I have only had two in the past 3 or 4 months! (We won't talk about my new found love Chick-fil-A! or my continued addiction to cokes!)

Imagine That!

Well January 1st came and went and I am still the same old me. I had such high hopes this year that I would turn into Ms. Perfect as soon as the ball dropped. I was going to exercise multiple times a week, keep the most clean and organized home, cook wonderful healthy meals every night, and spend hours playing with my children and read my Bible daily. I don't know why I thought I would be able to do all this but it was a good goal. I have done some of all of it, but not in the large amounts I had dreamed. Why do we hold perfection out there for us to strive for? I feel like the proverbial donkey with a silly carrot hanging off a stick in front of my nose. The problem is that someone made the stick too long! In my case the stick is comprised of too few hours in a day and "want to". Some of you may call it lazy. I just need to sit down occasionally and that really eats into the too few hours problem. Now I will admit I don't sit down a lot, but apparently I should sit down less. I already eat my lunch standing at the kitchen counter most days. I often eat breakfast in the car so I guess that counts as an okay time to sit down. Dinner is debatable, but usually we try to sit down together as a family. I sit down to nurse the baby and don't really want to give that up. So I have given up some computer time! I check email less frequently and only cruse my friends blogs a few times a week. But this still doesn't get it all done. So I think I will combine my goals. If I run while cleaning and read while nursing and make cooking a game maybe I will become that woman yet!

A good reminder

I am very tired but just wanted to check in and tell you a little about my day. I kept a friends two kiddos today. She has gone to care for her parents for a few days and her husband had to go to meetings today. They were really good and played well with mine. It actually made for a very nice day. I had to take them to run several errands today. While driving down the street we passed a cemetery. One child spoke up and said look at where those people die. Of course I am just driving and had not even paid attention to the cemetery. So this statement wakes me up and now I am looking for dying people on the side of the road! The other child says, "No that's where they just lay their skin." Now the wheels are turning in my head. I have been missing mom terribly lately. I keep wanting to tell her something or ask a question, but mostly just chat like we used to. You know that comfortable idle talk we girls like. So this statement came at such a good time for me. It reminds me that mom's skin is there but she isn't. It made me remember some things I tried to keep my mind on when she first passed away. I would think about what I thought she might be doing in heaven at that very moment, who she had breakfast with, what life long question had she finally found the answer to today. This simple statement reminded me that this life is only dress rehearsal. Our "final act" is in fact eternal. She is now living in God's presence. How awesome is that?!
Thank you dear little friend for pulling me back to reality and reminding me of our true hope!

Christmas Report

Well, sorry, my computer ate the words on my last post. I was so frustrated that I just turned it off and played Wii! (New favorite past time at our house since we still don't have TV! I have learned how to watch old Law and Order episodes on the computer!LOL) So let me try this again.

My sisters and brother and their families all decided to make Christmas a little easier on us this year. (No one wanted to clean and cook!) So we went out to eat at a Chinese buffet instead. Don't ask how we chose Chinese! Nothing really Christmas about that to us Americans! Anyway, afterwards we did go to Anna's for dessert and presents! Of course the kids had a blast. They just love getting together and playing! It is a wild and loud house with 8 cousins running around. My family draws names and we added the kids to the name draw this year. It was amazing how much there was even with that! We found gifts for the kids in mom's closet when we were cleaning out this summer, so I wrapped those up and each of the bigger kids got a gift from Mor-Mor. They were all very excited. (We didn't give Josiah one since he here when she would have been shopping.) We also found mom's collection of Santa Clauses. Several years ago she started a "dirty Santa" game with Santa Claus figurines. She just happened to have 8! So we wrapped these up and played the game this year with her collection. We had the same laughs as always. There always tends to be at least one ugly Santa and one everyone likes. But this year we had the added difficulty of already having some of the Santa's in our own collection. In the end I think it turned out so everyone was pretty happy. I actually got a very pretty one this year. I always end up with the ugly ones for one reason or another!

Then Steve's brother, mom and step-dad came and stayed with us for Christmas eve and a couple of days following. We really enjoyed having them and it was Grandmother's first year to be present first thing in the morning. She got an up close and personal seat since we do not have a guest room and everyone was camped out in sleeping bags and couches! Hopefully we will have more room next year!

As I mentioned before I did a lot of cooking and was quite tired in the end, but it was a great Christmas. That seems really weird to say being this is the first Christmas without mom. It was hard on all of us without a doubt. I don't think you can lose someone so important in your life and it not be felt for a very long time if not forever. I felt like I was waiting on someone else to arrive the whole time. I caught myself looking out the window or over my shoulder. I used mom's recipes for all the food. It was comforting to at least have her food present. I think Jana also used a lot of mom's recipes this year in her cooking. We are really fortunate because a few years ago mom and her friend Francine put together these wonderful recipe books for us. She had recipes from all our grandmas and mothers-in-law in there. We never knew it would be such a treasured book so soon. But I still wanted to ask her questions. I think I talk to her a lot in my head. You know, something will happen and I think "mom, you would..." or "can you believe..." I used to call my mom several times a day so I guess it is hard to break that habit.

Several days before Christmas, my daughter was talking to a cousin and told him that since Mor-Mor died mom has cried. I smiled almost embarrassed and said yes I do cry some. Her eyes then got really big and wide and she looked serious and like she knew something I didn't and quietly said "a lot" and added a little nod. So I determined then and there that I would not cry on Christmas. I didn't and I was rather pleased with myself. Well said daughter was not fairing as well as I thought. She had been cranky before Christmas and I just thought she was tired, excited, loaded on sugar etc. Then a few days after Christmas a couple of friends came over to play and she was VERY CROSS. I sent her to her room and followed to have a talkin' to. As we were talking she suddenly burst into tears and collapsed on the floor. She looked at me and said she had been wanting to go to Mor-Mor's but would remember that she was not longer there. So we sat on the floor and just cried together for some time (thank goodness the friends were caught up in a game of Wii). After a good long cry she relaxed. I asked what she wanted to do: visit the cemetery, write Mor-Mor a letter or draw a picture. She said no to all this and simply stated "I want to go ride". This means ride one of her favorite horses. So we did. I took her to Steve's aunt's and she rode in the freezing cold for a couple of hours. Her little joy has returned and she is much sweeter. Now, we are going to work on doing little projects that remind us of happy times with Mor-Mor. I told her we would do some things that mom used to do with us such as tea parties in the living room, making play dough, chocolate chip pancakes, cooking in the kitchen together, etc. She also promised me she would tell me next time she was sad about mom before she gets cross like that again. It must be really hard for the little ones to process loss. They don't have the vocabulary or friend structure that we have. I must remember to include her more in my grief process.