Tuesday, April 21, 2009

A Sad Loss

Well, it has been a while since I blogged. We have been in a real funk around here. I went to my first OB appt. in mid-March. They did an u/s to rule out a twin pregnancy. (I grow really fast, usually measuring a month to 6 weeks ahead of schedule.) When they did the u/s there was no heartbeat and a sack that was too small for my dates. I quickly figured in my head and according to the u/s I would not have been pregnant when I took the home pregnancy test. They wanted to repeat the u/s in 4 weeks. I knew this would be a very long 4 weeks.

In the meantime I got sick and ran a fever of almost 103. This prompted another visit. They repeated the u/s and talked with me at length about a very possible miscarriage. In a week the sack had only grown the equivalent of 2 days. So they scheduled another appt. for repeat u/s in a week.

The next u/s showed the sack had collapsed completely. But the doctor wanted to wait because my hormone level was still so high it indicated my body was still supporting a pregnancy. He said he had had 2 other ladies in his long career that had similar findings and suddenly they were able to see the baby on u/s when it was not visible before. (like when they only see one baby and actually there are twins.) So we waited another week for the next u/s.

I don 't want to be too graphic and I will spare you most of the details but I think mostly women read my blog anyway. So I will tell you I began spotting before the next visit. At this visit the doc just talked with me about how I was feeling and what was happening. He explained that he was worried about an ectopic pregnancy either in the f. tubes or abdomen. At this point he did not feel like it was cancerous pregnancy called trophoblastic disease. So we set up a recheck u/s the following week. He warned me to let him know if I had any unusual abdominal pain. So I spent the next week wondering if every twinge was "unusual".

The last u/s showed no new baby and now a funny spot on my right ovary. At this point he became very concerned for me. He ordered STAT blood work, which means the lab that had been taking overnight to get results would be available in 2 hours. (I don't even want to know how much this costs!) At this point he was thinking it might be an abdominal pregnancy or the cancerous trophoblastic disease in my abdomen (both are really bad). He said if my levels were not down he would need to do a D&C in the morning with a laproscopic surgery to look at my ovary. So I went home and began furiously cleaning the house to get my mind off it all. Well, God provided a distraction or Satan provided a complication! I was stung by a red wasp in my house! This really did take my mind off things for a little while. Then the doc called and was much relieved because my levels had really fallen. So we avoided the surgery and would wait for my body to resolve the lost baby. As far as the ovary goes. He wanted to follow up lab work every week and recheck by u/s in 4 weeks. He warned me that my ovary could rotate due to the weight of the mass on it. He said this would need immediate attention if it happened. He said it would hurt really bad- "not the kind you look at your husband and say I wonder if we should do something about this, but the kind where you say get me help now!"

Well, after all the drama and repeated u/s I decided I was going to wait this one out. I was already spotting and every 3-4 days it seemed to pick up a little. He said I would bleed a lot because of the endometrial lining that had formed over the last 3 months. So I figured a little for several weeks and I would not get anemic. Well, I was in Target yesterday when it all began. It was a nightmare to say the least. Steve said only I would go ahead and check out! But I did and went to the school and picked up the kids and stopped by the post office . Then went straight home and to bed. I had began cramping on the way home and was really glad to lay down. S is old enough to watch the younger two and let me rest. I had called S on the way home to let him know what was going on and hoping he would get to come home a little early. I must say I was not prepared for what came next. They had warned me of heavy bleeding and "cramping", just like a heavy period. HAH! I was doubled over crying in pain. I think the only reason I did not scream was because of the poor terrified look on my daughters face every time she came to check on me. I could not even call the neighbor to come get the kids for me. I kept telling S to take the boys and go next door, but she was so scared for me she would not leave. She called S and asked when he would be home. Fortunately, he was on his way. When he got here he called a friend to come pick up the kids and then called the on call doc. He said I could hurt a lot and that if it did not resolve in an hour we should go to the ER for an emergency D&C. Fortunately it did not last that much longer. I was even thinking I needed an ambulance at one point! I did natural childbirth with S until they had to do an emergency c-section after 19 hours of labor and I handled it much better than the miscarriage. I guess it had to do with the emotions involved in both. Anyway, it is all over now. I was about a 4 hour ordeal that I hope I never have to repeat. I am worn out today and went to the doctor again. He said everything looks good and I will still get the follow up u/s for the ovary.

I will keep you updated, but I don't expect to blog for week or two while we grieve the loss of our precious baby. But I do want to tell you about a converstaion with little S. She looked at me one day and said, "Mommy, do you think Mor-Mor will take care of this baby if it goes to heaven?" I said, "Yes, I think Mor-Mor and Minnie will love rocking this baby and taking care of it for us until we get to heaven." She then said as she took my hand "That makes me feel a lot better."
John 10:28-30