A Sad Loss

Well, it has been a while since I blogged. We have been in a real funk around here. I went to my first OB appt. in mid-March. They did an u/s to rule out a twin pregnancy. (I grow really fast, usually measuring a month to 6 weeks ahead of schedule.) When they did the u/s there was no heartbeat and a sack that was too small for my dates. I quickly figured in my head and according to the u/s I would not have been pregnant when I took the home pregnancy test. They wanted to repeat the u/s in 4 weeks. I knew this would be a very long 4 weeks.

In the meantime I got sick and ran a fever of almost 103. This prompted another visit. They repeated the u/s and talked with me at length about a very possible miscarriage. In a week the sack had only grown the equivalent of 2 days. So they scheduled another appt. for repeat u/s in a week.

The next u/s showed the sack had collapsed completely. But the doctor wanted to wait because my hormone level was still so high it indicated my body was still supporting a pregnancy. He said he had had 2 other ladies in his long career that had similar findings and suddenly they were able to see the baby on u/s when it was not visible before. (like when they only see one baby and actually there are twins.) So we waited another week for the next u/s.

I don 't want to be too graphic and I will spare you most of the details but I think mostly women read my blog anyway. So I will tell you I began spotting before the next visit. At this visit the doc just talked with me about how I was feeling and what was happening. He explained that he was worried about an ectopic pregnancy either in the f. tubes or abdomen. At this point he did not feel like it was cancerous pregnancy called trophoblastic disease. So we set up a recheck u/s the following week. He warned me to let him know if I had any unusual abdominal pain. So I spent the next week wondering if every twinge was "unusual".

The last u/s showed no new baby and now a funny spot on my right ovary. At this point he became very concerned for me. He ordered STAT blood work, which means the lab that had been taking overnight to get results would be available in 2 hours. (I don't even want to know how much this costs!) At this point he was thinking it might be an abdominal pregnancy or the cancerous trophoblastic disease in my abdomen (both are really bad). He said if my levels were not down he would need to do a D&C in the morning with a laproscopic surgery to look at my ovary. So I went home and began furiously cleaning the house to get my mind off it all. Well, God provided a distraction or Satan provided a complication! I was stung by a red wasp in my house! This really did take my mind off things for a little while. Then the doc called and was much relieved because my levels had really fallen. So we avoided the surgery and would wait for my body to resolve the lost baby. As far as the ovary goes. He wanted to follow up lab work every week and recheck by u/s in 4 weeks. He warned me that my ovary could rotate due to the weight of the mass on it. He said this would need immediate attention if it happened. He said it would hurt really bad- "not the kind you look at your husband and say I wonder if we should do something about this, but the kind where you say get me help now!"



Well, after all the drama and repeated u/s I decided I was going to wait this one out. I was already spotting and every 3-4 days it seemed to pick up a little. He said I would bleed a lot because of the endometrial lining that had formed over the last 3 months. So I figured a little for several weeks and I would not get anemic. Well, I was in Target yesterday when it all began. It was a nightmare to say the least. Steve said only I would go ahead and check out! But I did and went to the school and picked up the kids and stopped by the post office . Then went straight home and to bed. I had began cramping on the way home and was really glad to lay down. S is old enough to watch the younger two and let me rest. I had called S on the way home to let him know what was going on and hoping he would get to come home a little early. I must say I was not prepared for what came next. They had warned me of heavy bleeding and "cramping", just like a heavy period. HAH! I was doubled over crying in pain. I think the only reason I did not scream was because of the poor terrified look on my daughters face every time she came to check on me. I could not even call the neighbor to come get the kids for me. I kept telling S to take the boys and go next door, but she was so scared for me she would not leave. She called S and asked when he would be home. Fortunately, he was on his way. When he got here he called a friend to come pick up the kids and then called the on call doc. He said I could hurt a lot and that if it did not resolve in an hour we should go to the ER for an emergency D&C. Fortunately it did not last that much longer. I was even thinking I needed an ambulance at one point! I did natural childbirth with S until they had to do an emergency c-section after 19 hours of labor and I handled it much better than the miscarriage. I guess it had to do with the emotions involved in both. Anyway, it is all over now. I was about a 4 hour ordeal that I hope I never have to repeat. I am worn out today and went to the doctor again. He said everything looks good and I will still get the follow up u/s for the ovary.

I will keep you updated, but I don't expect to blog for week or two while we grieve the loss of our precious baby. But I do want to tell you about a converstaion with little S. She looked at me one day and said, "Mommy, do you think Mor-Mor will take care of this baby if it goes to heaven?" I said, "Yes, I think Mor-Mor and Minnie will love rocking this baby and taking care of it for us until we get to heaven." She then said as she took my hand "That makes me feel a lot better."
John 10:28-30

Growing in too many ways!!!

Okay, I now have the cure for that tapeworm desire! Our cute new puppy has had them and let me just say GROSS!!!!! Oh yuck!!!! There are very few things that gross this nurse out but wow! Worms do the trick. I have shivered and danced and nearly thrown up. I have done more laundry simply because it touched the floor where the dog was. I have washed floors, hands, faces and more repeatedly. I DO NOT WANT A TAPEWORM!!!!!! See these little segments break off the end of the worm and this is what lays the eggs. This little segment moves like an amoeba or maybe and inch worm and as it gyrates around it is laying invisible eggs. Thousand of them! Makes me shiver just typing it. And there are dozens of them!!! I do not want that in my body! If I could get a tapeworm that did not do that I might think about it again. But I think I will go back on weight watchers in November and be happy to count those points! God has interesting ways of teaching us things. So thanks God, got the message!

Our family continues to grow in many ways!

Well I guess if you looked at the ticker above you have already figured out that we are expecting baby #4!!!! We were shocked but once it wore off we became very excited. I never thought I would have this many kids! Mom always said she thought we should have at least four. So I know she would be happy for us. Growing up I thought it was ridiculous that there were four of us! Almost every other family I knew only had two kids. We had twice that many and I was old enough that it was often a "pain" to have little ones around. I often felt "put out". Well, which one would I have gotten rid of? That would have depended on the day! Some days all three! But I think the feeling was mutual for all of us! Anyway, now I can not imagine my life without one of my sibs. We are all close and enjoy being together. (Although there are days...)

So why have we decided to have "so many" kids? Well I don't really know. I argued with God when I found out I was pregnant with J. If I had won we would not have him today. Wow what a blessing I would have missed! We all love him so much and he adds so much to our lives. So I trust God and His perfect wisdom with our family. I trust that this new little one is His perfect will for us and we accept him of her eagerly. And as far as large families go, we are still a smaller family in our church!!! (And no, it is not Catholic it is Baptist!)

So how else is the family growing? Well if we aren't crazy enough already, we adopted a rescue puppy this weekend. We went to the local pet store this weekend and saw a few dogs. One in particular stood out among the rest. When J wrapped his arms around the little girl, she stood perfectly still and waited. She won us all over and after going home and sleeping on the idea and talking it over and praying about it, we decided to go for it! She is 4 months old white with golden patches with some black mixed in and one eye is partially blue. The think she has some cattle dog in her and maybe some spaniel. Whatever she is made of, we love her to pieces. The kids talk about nothing else right now. I will try to post some pictures soon.

Still here!:-)

Sorry I have not blogged in so long! I used to blog in the wee hours of the morning when it was just the baby and me awake. Now that sweet little thing sleeps almost all night every night. The little awakenings he does have are brief, just long enough to earn a place next to us in bed! They learn so early that I am a push over in the middle of the night. I do not like to wake up and when I do I am desperate to go back to sleep, so just about anything goes as long as mommy can close her eyes again.

So now I am left trying to find time to blog. So why today you might ask? Well we have all had the stomach bug and today as I was picking up my things to leave for work little man released all his tummy contents on us both! So we are home today. I am back in PJ's doing laundry and he finally went to sleep! The house is never this quiet! Makes me forget the big to do list! Oh well, it will only last another hour or two! Then I'll have my brain back on thinking of what I could get done if only the baby would lay down for a nap. :-D

I say baby very flippantly the little man is 18 months old now. He runs around chasing the bigger kids and loves to be outside. We have this great back porch with railing all with the door open. We smile at each other through the screen as we both "fix up" our kitchen. around. I lock the gate and he plays with his ride on toy or the toy kitchen while I work in the kitchen. In the yard he likes to slide but hates to swing. I have never seen a kid hate a swing before. It absolutely terrifies the poor kid. So we walk around a lot looking at all the nice leaves (tongue in cheek here)!

Steve and I have been busy getting the land ready to have trees cut to begin the barn. I took out the back fence over the last 2 weekends earning myself a nice tetanus shot! It is an old wire fence that I have had to cut into sections I can handle. Not sure what to do with the sections yet, but I am guessing they will find their way to the recycle center soon. Then we pull the post out which has been easier than I thought because they are pretty rotted out. One was almost rotted in half at the ground. We did find a nice little treasure of pretty red brick my grandparents were using as some sort of retaining wall. The whole area is level now and we actually had to dig them out of the ground. They are in pretty good shape and we will use them in my garden later. So what is Steve doing all this time? Riding around on his new tractor. I keep telling him I want to ride around while he cuts, clears old fence line, drags it across the yard and pulls up posts, but alas I am scared of the bush hog. I don't think he would really appreciate me just joy riding while he works! I did try to use the scooping bucket on the front to move a pile of debris. I worked really hard and when I went to dump it - nothing was in the bucket! So I guess that needs a little more practice.

Sarah made Honor Roll and Hogan would if they got grades in K. He is reading at the highest tested level for his grade. I imagine he would test higher if they scored higher than they do. He loves words, letters, and rhymes. Sarah is already having to negotiate the girl world. I hear all kinds of stories! Girls can just be mean! They don't talk to each other then talk mean. Seems ridiculous to me. But I am sure my sweet angel is completely innocent. I do talk to her about being a good friend, so hopefully it sinks in. Sometimes I wish I could just watch and listen without them knowing I was there. It is hard to guide your child.

Well, that sums us up in a nutshell. I promise to try to do better!

Out of the mouth of babes.

Tonight S and H were sitting on the bed watching little J for me while I brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. I could hear them talking and S was telling J a story to keep him happy. She told him the he was a special gift and that mommy was so happy when she had him. Over and over she kept telling him what a special gift he was and then she added that H and herself were also special gifts that mommy was so happy to have. I smiled thinking how right she was and how happy I am that she knows it. It made me pause and think that we are all special gifts! Each one of us is a special gift. I think as adults we forget that too often. So I hope you will remember how special you are! God created you, to be you, "in His image". How wonderful is that?

Great Understandings

Yesterday evening we said good-bye to my great-aunt. She had married one of my grandmother's brothers. The two couples lived next door to each other for years on land homesteaded by my grandmother's family. After both their husbands died they continued to be in-laws and friends. They were actually more like sisters. They checked on each other frequently and helped each other out. When I moved in with my grandmother to attend a local college, I entered their world. Funny how a young college age girl could have so much fun with these two. I would take them to Wendy's almost every week and we would eat 99 cent hamburgers and frosties. Then when Steve and I got married we would take the two of them out to eat with my other great aunt! We really had fun. I have missed those days for years now.

Now for some funny stories about these two women. They were OLD school. Men were the answer. No matter the question! They would ask me things all the time and never believed me. They would ask me several times and change the question around as if to trip me up or interrogate me! Then finally I would catch them asking Steve. Even when he answered the same way I did, they acted as if they had never heard that information before. Honestly, I don't think they heard me!!!! Drove me crazy! Steve and I would laugh and laugh later! I think it gave him a big head!

My great aunt was convinced that the water tower by a hospital was really nuclear waste or medicine! I was never able to convince her otherwise and I don't think Steve was able to change her mind either. She would talk about it EVERY time we drove by it!

The most shocking moment came when they found a book I was returning to the library. I had read almost everything else this author had written and was surprised when it became very graphic. I was sitting at Steve's office and was so embarrassed that my face must have glowed bright red! I was sure everyone knew what trash I had just read! I slammed the book shut and took it to my car. The plan was to return it to the library the next day. Well, that was not before my grandmother and great aunt went somewhere with me. My grandmother spotted the book before we even left the driveway! I quickly explained that it was not suitable reading material and I was returning it! That was all these dear Godly women needed to hear! They giggle and my grandmother opened the book to a horribly graphic section and began reading out loud!!!! I was so embarrassed! They were just laughing and laughing and reading and reading! I could not believe it! I think they really enjoyed my embarrassment! I have never read another trashy novel again though! (I think that was their point exactly!)

So I too shall miss this wonderful woman that taught me so many things. Checked on us if she did not see our car or lights when she thought she should. Called me to tell me I was mowing way to late and how I surely could no longer see! Made sure we took good care of our dogs. Lived as a Godly example. And simply loved us as extended family.

Anne I was honored to assist you in your last days and moments! You will be greatly missed.

Not quite a Hallmark moment!

I guess I have watched too many "Little House on the Prairie" shows! I have been looking forward to decorating for Christmas for days. I have pictured in my head hot apple cider, cookies, Christmas music, happy cute children and smiling adoring parents all decorating the tree in perfect harmony. I think we are even dressed nicely in the dream. Well, that is not how it unfolded for us! First of all S ran out of hot water while showering tonight which caused a rather loud ending to the shower (she was all soapy!). Then H was just too tired and excited to listen to ANYTHING! J broke at least one ornament because the one that couldn't listen did not know we were telling him not to put the ornaments on the floor in big piles! So Josiah proceeds to walk on them to get to the one he wants to play with. Daddy was not in the best of spirits by this time and I was completely tangled in garland, lights and ribbon that I was trying to get on the mantle. (I also had this dream of a beautifully decorated mantle...) So in the end we have a half decorated tree and mostly decorated mantle and three fairly happy children. We will get to finish the project over the next couple of days and that will make them happy. Maybe Thursday night I can manage the hot apple cider and cookies!